Monday, June 13, 2011


Here's the deal. My bf and I have an AMAZING sex life. He knows just how to make me cum in minutes. But let me tell you one thing, I give my boyfriend blow jobs pretty much any time he wants one and I initiate most of them because he loves being "surprised." He tells me I don't initiate sex enough and I'm always so passive so I decide to be more assertive. Why is it when I initiate sex before I see him for the last time until Friday, he turns me down? He says he is tired and has a 2 hour drive ahead of him... 

The fried rice that I ate at dinner is turning in my stomach from hearing, "No, I don't want to have sex."

I tell him, "Pretty sure I let you stick it in my ass this weekend AND gave you a fucking blow job while you played Final Fantasy. You got yours, where the fuck is mine?" We laugh it off because I don't want our last meeting until next week tainted by my own insecurities. I kiss him goodbye, hug him tightly and walk towards the house. My eyes are starting to get wet because 1000 thoughts are flooding my mind. The longer the thoughts linger the more I start to believe they are true. 

He doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm fat.
Fuck, I am so ugly.
My thighs are too big.
My stretch marks are fucking disgusting.
My boobs are not perky.
Holy shit my arms are HUGE.
I am fucking fat and ugly and probably stupid for thinking all of these things. 

I know, deep down he thinks I am beautiful and there are some parts of me that want to believe that I am over reacting, but I'm just so hurt and want to feel pleasure (from sex, or from love... from ANYTHING) that when I finally make my way to my bathroom, tears streaking across my face, I lean over and feel the ecstasy I was searching for with my boyfriend, that he was unable to provide. I feel empty. I feel good. I feel at peace.


  1. I just wanted to say thank you for the support on the whole military mom drama. The Air Force is the branch I want to enlist in. I know I was meant to do it. I can't explain it. It's just feels like that is my purpose in life, my calling.

    Were you in the AF or are you in now?

  2. JT: She's not in the military, her boyfriend is in the Army. And he's fucking SEXY! EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T MET HIM YET!!!

    Dude, your boyfriend loves you and you know it. Trust me, I of all people know how insecurities get in the way of sex (I can even have sex with Brad with the lights on), but you're a beautiful woman with a hidden tigress and that's what your b/f loves. I'm sure he really was tired, it was nothing against you.

    Besides, men are selfish. Especially our men who happen to be in the military.

  3. UGH! And I wish we lived closer together so we could go workout! I can't WAIT until I move closer to the city!

  4. thighs.. boobs.. arms.. stretch marks... feeling ugly... soooo know where you are coming from!! (Camille, haha lights have to be off for me too or NOTHING will happen!) But don't let it get you down, you're beautiful and strong and you will reach your goals!

  5. Aw, love, we've all been there. Rejection in any form and for any reason just plays havoc with our minds. Just remember, a wise woman once said "I love love as much as one can love love, and I have a boyfriend who loves me more than that." I bet he doesn't even *see* the fat or the stretch marks; he sees his beautiful, naked girlfriend who gives him surprise bjs! There's no way he doesn't know how lucky he is.

  6. Oh! Also, I *do* want to talk to you about BPD. I'm really reluctant to take any kind of psychiatric medication. Would you mind me emailing you? I'm at suzystilettos(at)
    I'd love to pick your brain a little... :)

  7. I have those insecurities too.
    Not necessarily set off by the thought of sex (my boyfriend and I are waiting til marriage) but just by him getting close in general.
    I am always scrutinizing every part of my body and finding things wrong that send me into a tailspin every time I think about him touching me.
    He knows this.
    And, God bless him, HE PUTS UP WITH IT.
    Because he loves me.
    Just like your boyfriend loves you.
    Some days I wonder how long it is going to take us to see ourselves through our boyfriends' eyes.
    Perfect in every way.
    Probably never, haha!
    But it does not hurt to dream...
    I hope you had a wonderful day today!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3