Thursday, June 9, 2011

[falling apart]

What the fuck am I doing? I'm sitting here eating sun chips and I hate sun chips. Worst of all, they are french onion, which I find completely appalling! What would even compel me to continue to put these disgusting little squares in my mouth?

It's like I find every excuse to eat. I have been working out pretty hard, but I go home and find myself binging on the stupidest shit. Why on earth would someone eat a HUGE bowl of frosted mini-wheats? I fucking HATE the taste of this cereal however it didn't stop me from piling at least 2-3 servings in a bowl and eating the entire thing. Should I validate myself for using skim milk? 

I am 5'3"... currently weighing in at 145lbs. I was 180lb's December 2009... I went down to 130lbs... After getting dumped I went back to 145lbs.. That's 15lbs gained... People say that 145lb's is not fat but if you looked at the roll on my stomach you would understand. I want to wear a bikini... I want to get a nice tan. I'm sick of wearing tankini's but I am just too self conscious. My boyfriend says I look sexy, but when I look in the mirror I see a worthless blob of fat with nice calves. Hello body dysmorphic disorder, my name is The Skinny Fat Girl.... It's so nice to meet you. I wear a small shirt, size 7-8 jeans, is without a double chin and yet I can GRAB the roll on my stomach and shake it.

How on earth can one feel good about themselves after working out when all they can think about is eating the entire kitchen? I FUCKING HAD MCDONALD'S TODAY!! I never eat McDonald's! When I'm not working out, I don't want junk food... the second my foot hits the gym I want french fries. When I'm running, I imagine myself running towards a delicious bowl of ice cream.

I'm fighting this incredible urge to throw up. I don't think it's going to work. My will is not strong enough to beat this tonight. I want a cigarette and I want these sunchips and stupid mini-wheats out of my body... I don't know if I'll actually do it.. I might sit here and stare at my computer for a while to fight off the feeling of fullness... I have binged/purged since I was 14... I am 23 now so fighting that feeling will take a lot of power and I just don't know if I can hold out.

I just want to scream. I'm going under with this ship... can anyone save me?


  1. The only thing that MAYBE stops me from purging is thinking about my teeth. The bile from your stomach and shit can fuck your teeth up and that scares the crap out of me.

    But that only works sometimes.

  2. The sad part is I think about that, I eat like 5 tums to counter the acid and then brush my teeth... I don't know if it actually helps, but it makes me justify my behavior. Fuck, I'm pathetic.

  3. I had never thought of that. But I like your thinking.

  4. For what it's worth, I've read that brushing your teeth after eating something acidic (like an orange) actually does *more* damage to them because the acid softens the enamel so that it gets brushed away by the toothbrush. The same might be true of purging then brushing..? That's what always stops me :|
    Totally know what you mean about stomach fat - my BMI's technically low-normal, but I swear 90% of my weight is on my stomach. How does that even happen?! But hey, you lost 50lbs last year - that's incredible! You can do it again. <3

  5. Thanks for the tip! I will do some research! I love my teeth, it's one of my motivators to not purge for sure.

    I seriously don't get how it can just sit on my stomach the way it does, it makes me want to cry :(