What the fuck am I doing? I'm sitting here eating sun chips and I hate sun chips. Worst of all, they are french onion, which I find completely appalling! What would even compel me to continue to put these disgusting little squares in my mouth?
It's like I find every excuse to eat. I have been working out pretty hard, but I go home and find myself binging on the stupidest shit. Why on earth would someone eat a HUGE bowl of frosted mini-wheats? I fucking HATE the taste of this cereal however it didn't stop me from piling at least 2-3 servings in a bowl and eating the entire thing. Should I validate myself for using skim milk?
I am 5'3"... currently weighing in at 145lbs. I was 180lb's December 2009... I went down to 130lbs... After getting dumped I went back to 145lbs.. That's 15lbs gained... People say that 145lb's is not fat but if you looked at the roll on my stomach you would understand. I want to wear a bikini... I want to get a nice tan. I'm sick of wearing tankini's but I am just too self conscious. My boyfriend says I look sexy, but when I look in the mirror I see a worthless blob of fat with nice calves. Hello body dysmorphic disorder, my name is The Skinny Fat Girl.... It's so nice to meet you. I wear a small shirt, size 7-8 jeans, is without a double chin and yet I can GRAB the roll on my stomach and shake it.
How on earth can one feel good about themselves after working out when all they can think about is eating the entire kitchen? I FUCKING HAD MCDONALD'S TODAY!! I never eat McDonald's! When I'm not working out, I don't want junk food... the second my foot hits the gym I want french fries. When I'm running, I imagine myself running towards a delicious bowl of ice cream.
I'm fighting this incredible urge to throw up. I don't think it's going to work. My will is not strong enough to beat this tonight. I want a cigarette and I want these sunchips and stupid mini-wheats out of my body... I don't know if I'll actually do it.. I might sit here and stare at my computer for a while to fight off the feeling of fullness... I have binged/purged since I was 14... I am 23 now so fighting that feeling will take a lot of power and I just don't know if I can hold out.
I just want to scream. I'm going under with this ship... can anyone save me?