Thursday, July 7, 2011

[fuck this]

I should start setting my expectation bar at ground level, that way I will never be disappointed.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting to be thin. I'm tired of wishing my life were something different. I'm tired of wanting my boyfriend to do the right thing when ultimately, he is selfish. I am tired of this life.

All I want to do is sleep.

Depression is a very silly thing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

[4th of July]

I've had a crazy week! Hello to my new followers!! Leave me a comment so I know who you are!! :)

I didn't count my calories. I didn't binge, I didn't purge -- but I'm scared to look at that fucking scale. I don't think I will weigh myself until this coming Friday. I think I will make Friday's my weigh in days so I'm not slaving over my scale and freaking out. Now that my boyfriend is back in Ft. Riley I can be a bit more careful about the food I am ingesting. Overall, I'm pretty happy with my intake and I was just happy in general to be with him.

One of the most amazing perks of being with a man who is a 2x war veteran is that he understands what SEX means. We have sex A LOT! I mean, we fuck every chance we get. I am a complete and utter nympho (and I mean this!) I hate the fact that he is gone and I hate the stupid fucking IDIOT who got that DUI and forced my man to go back to base tomorrow by 6AM! He ended up leaving me at around 8PM, right after dinner so he could get back before all the drunken idiots are out driving around. So now, here I am... watching the fireworks through my apartment window. I can at least be here for my cat who is FREAKING OUT. I might cave tonight and smoke a cigarette to keep myself from binging from sadness. I wish we could get married already. I am tired of this town... I am ready to settle down and be a wife.

Boyfriend and I have decided to quit drinking so much. We mask our sadness with getting wasted while we are not together. We are strictly going to drink when we are together and for FUN, not for being sad. I am so thankful for scrubs right now. I've been watching from the beginning of season 1! I am on season 5 now! I watch at least 4-5 episodes if not more a night. I love this damn show!

Well all you lovely ladies, I SWEAR I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. As for now, I'm going to watch scrubs, listen to a few good songs and watch the fireworks. I love you all! 

Lights -- Perfect

Maybe I don't say all the right things
Maybe I stumble on my words
Maybe I laugh at all the wrong times
Maybe I mumble and I curse
The last thing I want is to let you down
Cuz all that I want is to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I know I dont make all the best moves
And I know sometimes I get weak
But I know I've got nothing to lose
Maybe that's what you love about me

The best I can do, is to be myself
And hope it's enough to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

When your in the room, my head is clear
You make the world just disappear
So open up your eyes and see

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

Thursday, June 30, 2011


I don't even know why I torture myself like I do. Maybe getting this digital scale is going to ruin me. I don't even want to fucking talk about it right now. I know I shouldn't weigh myself all the time but god damnit, it's like I'm addicted to knowing EXACTLY how much I weigh periodically. I know I had a really high sodium intake due to eating Mexican with a co-worker but a;lkjdsfaja;!! 

I'm tired of this whole cycle. I'm tired of trying to fucking do right and my mind telling me to do wrong. FUCK binges. Quitting binging is fucking harder than it is to quit smoking, hell it was easier to quit doing DRUGS (meth, opiates, ecstasy, etc...) than it is to quit fucking binging/purging. I hate this shit. 

I am so fucking angry with myself. I am exactly 148.4... 1lb more than I was yesterday --- but I know it's due to the salt so I need to quit fucking tripping and get a god damn grip!


My boyfriend and his friend are coming into town today. I cleaned my apartment.... I wish his friend was not coming because I want to have sex everywhere and not worry about wearing clothes. I like walking around naked with my man. Grr! Oh well, his friend is good company none-the-less.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

[set backs]

My day started out well. I was eating like I should, taking in plenty of water... I don't really know what happened when I got home. I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness that only food could comfort. I ended up rolling some sushi and it made me feel a lot better. I don't know if I over ate or not... at the time I didn't care and quite honestly I can't fucking remember. I'm irritated and annoyed. By the time I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep thinking I would gain from my day.

Luckily, I ended up losing .4lbs. Not quite the accomplishment I had the other day of dropping 1.4lbs but .4lbs is better than +lbs, AM I RIGHT? =P 147.4lbs... I remember being so close to 145 last year and just being so happy. Now I'm depressed knowing I've BEEN there and I'm working so hard to GET BACK there. Oh well, this is life...

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us. -- Peter De Vries

Have a wonderful day everyone! I only hope to do better today!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

[thank you scale]

Getting a digital scale was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. Seeing even a .1lb drop gets me motivated for the day! Yesterday... 149.2lbs... today... 147.8lbs! Holy fuck! 1.4lb drop in weight! Fan-fucking-tastic!! Yippee!! I am only a few pounds away from GW1 of 145!! I don't know if I can drop almost 3lbs by July 1st, but I am going to damn well try! I am hoping to be 130 by the end of July!

Anywho -- I wish my boyfriend were here. Sex is such an amazing work out.. especially with him. We are always getting into these goofy positions that seriously work you out! I remember getting up off the bed and was thinking, "what the fuck did you just do to me because that felt AMAZING!" My boyfriend rocks in the sack!

I don't feel like working today. I have to work with clients all day. At least that gives me exercise because I'm running around the fucking city like a mad woman.

I plan on drinking a slim fast (180) for breakfast, a bowl of cereal (160) a yogurt (100) and a banana (100) for lunch and some tilapia (100) and asparagus (50) calories for dinner and probably a special K bar (90) for my snack. What a good day! I am pumped! NO BINGING, NO PURGING!! I wish I had that on a t-shirt lol

Monday, June 27, 2011

[a great weekend]

149.2lbs! That's a .8lb loss over an amazing weekend. That's even after eating breakfast and drinking a Diet Mt.Dew! I ate like a queen this weekend while making sure I didn't over eat. We ate Mexican twice, ate at IHop and Cracker barrel and I had a huge steak last night. This weekend kind of helps me prove that by watching what I eat and not purging everything, I can still lose weight! I DIDN'T PURGE OR BINGE ONCE THIS WEEKEND!!  I think I was just so depressed last week, I kind of lost it... I think I'm okay now.

Hello my new followers :) I swear I will catch up on everyone's blogs!!

I have to get ready for work. I just wanted to congratulate everyone on their tremendously hard work this weekend. Here is a picture of what I look like, plus a cutesy one. I think I'm ready to put a name and face to this blog. I have courage and strength and I think I will be able to handle this a little more delicately now. Thank you for all of the support you all have given me in the past few weeks. I can't wait to see what my life has in store!

That is my boyfriend and I. I like this picture because he turned and kissed me when I was taking it, and he never does that. I was so surprised I blushed for an hour!

This is me. My name is Rachael.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

[in love]

I don't even fucking CARE right now about my weight. All I know is I am in Ft. Riley with my boyfriend and life could NOT be any sweeter.

I am so in love right now.

I am also very drunk.