Thursday, July 7, 2011

[fuck this]

I should start setting my expectation bar at ground level, that way I will never be disappointed.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting to be thin. I'm tired of wishing my life were something different. I'm tired of wanting my boyfriend to do the right thing when ultimately, he is selfish. I am tired of this life.

All I want to do is sleep.

Depression is a very silly thing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

[4th of July]

I've had a crazy week! Hello to my new followers!! Leave me a comment so I know who you are!! :)


I didn't count my calories. I didn't binge, I didn't purge -- but I'm scared to look at that fucking scale. I don't think I will weigh myself until this coming Friday. I think I will make Friday's my weigh in days so I'm not slaving over my scale and freaking out. Now that my boyfriend is back in Ft. Riley I can be a bit more careful about the food I am ingesting. Overall, I'm pretty happy with my intake and I was just happy in general to be with him.

One of the most amazing perks of being with a man who is a 2x war veteran is that he understands what SEX means. We have sex A LOT! I mean, we fuck every chance we get. I am a complete and utter nympho (and I mean this!) I hate the fact that he is gone and I hate the stupid fucking IDIOT who got that DUI and forced my man to go back to base tomorrow by 6AM! He ended up leaving me at around 8PM, right after dinner so he could get back before all the drunken idiots are out driving around. So now, here I am... watching the fireworks through my apartment window. I can at least be here for my cat who is FREAKING OUT. I might cave tonight and smoke a cigarette to keep myself from binging from sadness. I wish we could get married already. I am tired of this town... I am ready to settle down and be a wife.

Boyfriend and I have decided to quit drinking so much. We mask our sadness with getting wasted while we are not together. We are strictly going to drink when we are together and for FUN, not for being sad. I am so thankful for scrubs right now. I've been watching from the beginning of season 1! I am on season 5 now! I watch at least 4-5 episodes if not more a night. I love this damn show!

Well all you lovely ladies, I SWEAR I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. As for now, I'm going to watch scrubs, listen to a few good songs and watch the fireworks. I love you all! 

______
Lights -- Perfect


Maybe I don't say all the right things
Maybe I stumble on my words
Maybe I laugh at all the wrong times
Maybe I mumble and I curse
The last thing I want is to let you down
Cuz all that I want is to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I know I dont make all the best moves
And I know sometimes I get weak
But I know I've got nothing to lose
Maybe that's what you love about me

The best I can do, is to be myself
And hope it's enough to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

When your in the room, my head is clear
You make the world just disappear
So open up your eyes and see

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you