Wednesday, June 15, 2011

[the cycle]

Who the FUCK eats an entire can of spam paired with rice? *points to self* This fucking asian girl does. Seriously? LOL I hate how much I love salty food!! Sad Panda!!!

*EDIT!!!* I grew up eating spam. I guess you'd say it's a Korean/Asian thing. My mom made it with all sorts of food and a lot of people can't stand it, BUT... that's the troubles with growing up with comfort food lol*

I need to get into the habit of reading my blog BEFORE eating because I've realized what kind of motivation it gives me. When you girls cheer my success on I feel compelled to stay motivated because I don't want to let anyone down.... but I suppose this is the hard part of being honest with yourself. I fucking binged the FUCK out of dinner tonight.

I woke up at 6 and went to the gym to run with some friends. I cut my mile down by a whole minute so I was totally pumped! I probably burned somewhere around 200 or so calories and then I went and ate a protein bar for breakfast. I ate a delicious spinach salad for lunch with fat free raspberry vinegarette which had me feeling SO full! Then... a little voice in my head said, "you just worked out, why are you stuffing yourself?"

I had this internal battle. I kept saying, this spinach salad is less than 300 calories, DO NOT purge because it will only have negative results. It was like I was a fucking zombie. I found myself face down WORSHIPING the porcelain gods and then returned to work.

I'm feeling guilty as fuck all day. Like, seriously guilty and so what do I do? My emotions take over. I buy COSMIC BROWNIES. I ate three of them. I felt even worse. I cooked an ENTIRE can of light spam with rice and ate EVERYTHING. My stomach was screaming in pain.

Why is it that whenever I start doing well, eating right, exercising, I end up fucking it up and binging my stress away? I swear it's like it never ends.

I will probably purge this. Well, I'm lying to myself if I say "probably." I am going to and I will feel better, prettier, sexier... and perhaps not cry myself to sleep. 

Here's to tomorrow! I must take this one day at a time... just maybe this time I won't eat like a damn pig tomorrow and focus on controlling myself. Cheers! <3


  1. I don't think I've ever had spam before...anyway I know What y mean about the internal battle. Definitely story of my life! I know your gonna do great tomorrow you sound so motivated! Keep it up! :)

  2. I've never tasted spam, but my mom loves it. The smell and how it comes out of the can is too creepy for me. I feel the internal battle you were talking about all the freaking time...I hope tomorrow goes better, you sound super motivated now!

  3. I've never had spam either, but i've seen it at the grocery store and wondered what it would taste like. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're right to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow will be awesome!

  4. I'm pretty sure I've had Spam before... My family loves it. :P

    Everybody has bad days, love; sometimes multiple, in a row.
    You can get through it.

    < 3

  5. Aw, hun, I am sorry to hear that today did not go like you planned. :(
    My dad LOVES Spam.
    In fact, I seriously think we have a container of it in the cabinet, though I am not sure what for.
    He is the only one that eats it.
    I have never had it, myself.
    Just remember that everyone has bad days every once in a while.
    You cannot let them get you down!
    Look at how far you have come and how good you have done!
    Do not let this one bad day completely erase the feeling of success that you have created for yourself.
    You will get through this!
    Tomorrow is another day. :)
    Hang in there.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  6. Never tasted spam. Does tofu work? XD. I'm a vegetarian.
    And as Jessie said, I've had my binge-starve-tryingtopurge(but failing miserably) cycle for a month! You can do this.
    And believe me. It could've been worse. You could've eaten two cans of Spam Lite and rice. XP. You could've not exercised at all that day! xx all good things come in due time ;) <3 <3 Love you, sweetie!
    ALSO: I grew up around chocolate. My ex-girlfriend made my craving for it nearly non-existent (I eat it but only when it's available and can easy skip it). Advice? Find yourself a chocolate-hating girlfriend. XD.

  7. I seriously misread "I grew up eating spam" as "I grew up eating sperm." LMAO.

    Bingeing (binging? I feel like binging is what you do when you're searching on Bing LOL), and purging is a bitch and a half to get over. I hate it. And you feel like shit either way. You eat and you feel like shit. You purge and you feel like shit. When will the shitty feelings just GO THE FUCK AWAY?!

  8. I'm so sorry about all the binge/purge thing.
    But tomorrow is a new day. And i hope it will be much better :)

    Stay strong ♥

  9. How hilarious is Cami?! I must admit, I'm one of those people who doesn't really like the taste of corned beef, but I believe it's very nourishing and high in iron. My house mate loves it and it's good for his anemia!

    I don't believe rice is bad for you, what kind of an Asian lady would you be if you didn't eat rice? It's part of your culture! My pharmacist is Chinese and he swears by rice, he actually recommends it as a panacea!

    Well done on your workout! Isn't the world beautiful at 6?! It's winter here now, so 6 is just magical!

    Hang in there, Babe and stay strong. Keep up the spinach and dump the brownies, you don't need them. Feel proud of yourself when you make good food choices, you deserve them! <3. XXX.