Thursday, July 7, 2011

[fuck this]

I should start setting my expectation bar at ground level, that way I will never be disappointed.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting to be thin. I'm tired of wishing my life were something different. I'm tired of wanting my boyfriend to do the right thing when ultimately, he is selfish. I am tired of this life.

All I want to do is sleep.

Depression is a very silly thing.

Monday, July 4, 2011

[4th of July]

I've had a crazy week! Hello to my new followers!! Leave me a comment so I know who you are!! :)

I didn't count my calories. I didn't binge, I didn't purge -- but I'm scared to look at that fucking scale. I don't think I will weigh myself until this coming Friday. I think I will make Friday's my weigh in days so I'm not slaving over my scale and freaking out. Now that my boyfriend is back in Ft. Riley I can be a bit more careful about the food I am ingesting. Overall, I'm pretty happy with my intake and I was just happy in general to be with him.

One of the most amazing perks of being with a man who is a 2x war veteran is that he understands what SEX means. We have sex A LOT! I mean, we fuck every chance we get. I am a complete and utter nympho (and I mean this!) I hate the fact that he is gone and I hate the stupid fucking IDIOT who got that DUI and forced my man to go back to base tomorrow by 6AM! He ended up leaving me at around 8PM, right after dinner so he could get back before all the drunken idiots are out driving around. So now, here I am... watching the fireworks through my apartment window. I can at least be here for my cat who is FREAKING OUT. I might cave tonight and smoke a cigarette to keep myself from binging from sadness. I wish we could get married already. I am tired of this town... I am ready to settle down and be a wife.

Boyfriend and I have decided to quit drinking so much. We mask our sadness with getting wasted while we are not together. We are strictly going to drink when we are together and for FUN, not for being sad. I am so thankful for scrubs right now. I've been watching from the beginning of season 1! I am on season 5 now! I watch at least 4-5 episodes if not more a night. I love this damn show!

Well all you lovely ladies, I SWEAR I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. As for now, I'm going to watch scrubs, listen to a few good songs and watch the fireworks. I love you all! 

Lights -- Perfect

Maybe I don't say all the right things
Maybe I stumble on my words
Maybe I laugh at all the wrong times
Maybe I mumble and I curse
The last thing I want is to let you down
Cuz all that I want is to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I know I dont make all the best moves
And I know sometimes I get weak
But I know I've got nothing to lose
Maybe that's what you love about me

The best I can do, is to be myself
And hope it's enough to make you proud

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

When your in the room, my head is clear
You make the world just disappear
So open up your eyes and see

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that

I can't explain just why I'm acting this way
I can't control it, so I go with it
I'm just a girl, I won't be changing the world
And boy you know that, I'm not perfect
But I'm perfect for you

Thursday, June 30, 2011


I don't even know why I torture myself like I do. Maybe getting this digital scale is going to ruin me. I don't even want to fucking talk about it right now. I know I shouldn't weigh myself all the time but god damnit, it's like I'm addicted to knowing EXACTLY how much I weigh periodically. I know I had a really high sodium intake due to eating Mexican with a co-worker but a;lkjdsfaja;!! 

I'm tired of this whole cycle. I'm tired of trying to fucking do right and my mind telling me to do wrong. FUCK binges. Quitting binging is fucking harder than it is to quit smoking, hell it was easier to quit doing DRUGS (meth, opiates, ecstasy, etc...) than it is to quit fucking binging/purging. I hate this shit. 

I am so fucking angry with myself. I am exactly 148.4... 1lb more than I was yesterday --- but I know it's due to the salt so I need to quit fucking tripping and get a god damn grip!


My boyfriend and his friend are coming into town today. I cleaned my apartment.... I wish his friend was not coming because I want to have sex everywhere and not worry about wearing clothes. I like walking around naked with my man. Grr! Oh well, his friend is good company none-the-less.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

[set backs]

My day started out well. I was eating like I should, taking in plenty of water... I don't really know what happened when I got home. I just had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness that only food could comfort. I ended up rolling some sushi and it made me feel a lot better. I don't know if I over ate or not... at the time I didn't care and quite honestly I can't fucking remember. I'm irritated and annoyed. By the time I went to bed, I cried myself to sleep thinking I would gain from my day.

Luckily, I ended up losing .4lbs. Not quite the accomplishment I had the other day of dropping 1.4lbs but .4lbs is better than +lbs, AM I RIGHT? =P 147.4lbs... I remember being so close to 145 last year and just being so happy. Now I'm depressed knowing I've BEEN there and I'm working so hard to GET BACK there. Oh well, this is life...

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us. -- Peter De Vries

Have a wonderful day everyone! I only hope to do better today!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

[thank you scale]

Getting a digital scale was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. Seeing even a .1lb drop gets me motivated for the day! Yesterday... 149.2lbs... today... 147.8lbs! Holy fuck! 1.4lb drop in weight! Fan-fucking-tastic!! Yippee!! I am only a few pounds away from GW1 of 145!! I don't know if I can drop almost 3lbs by July 1st, but I am going to damn well try! I am hoping to be 130 by the end of July!

Anywho -- I wish my boyfriend were here. Sex is such an amazing work out.. especially with him. We are always getting into these goofy positions that seriously work you out! I remember getting up off the bed and was thinking, "what the fuck did you just do to me because that felt AMAZING!" My boyfriend rocks in the sack!

I don't feel like working today. I have to work with clients all day. At least that gives me exercise because I'm running around the fucking city like a mad woman.

I plan on drinking a slim fast (180) for breakfast, a bowl of cereal (160) a yogurt (100) and a banana (100) for lunch and some tilapia (100) and asparagus (50) calories for dinner and probably a special K bar (90) for my snack. What a good day! I am pumped! NO BINGING, NO PURGING!! I wish I had that on a t-shirt lol

Monday, June 27, 2011

[a great weekend]

149.2lbs! That's a .8lb loss over an amazing weekend. That's even after eating breakfast and drinking a Diet Mt.Dew! I ate like a queen this weekend while making sure I didn't over eat. We ate Mexican twice, ate at IHop and Cracker barrel and I had a huge steak last night. This weekend kind of helps me prove that by watching what I eat and not purging everything, I can still lose weight! I DIDN'T PURGE OR BINGE ONCE THIS WEEKEND!!  I think I was just so depressed last week, I kind of lost it... I think I'm okay now.

Hello my new followers :) I swear I will catch up on everyone's blogs!!

I have to get ready for work. I just wanted to congratulate everyone on their tremendously hard work this weekend. Here is a picture of what I look like, plus a cutesy one. I think I'm ready to put a name and face to this blog. I have courage and strength and I think I will be able to handle this a little more delicately now. Thank you for all of the support you all have given me in the past few weeks. I can't wait to see what my life has in store!

That is my boyfriend and I. I like this picture because he turned and kissed me when I was taking it, and he never does that. I was so surprised I blushed for an hour!

This is me. My name is Rachael.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

[in love]

I don't even fucking CARE right now about my weight. All I know is I am in Ft. Riley with my boyfriend and life could NOT be any sweeter.

I am so in love right now.

I am also very drunk.



I'm exceptionally annoyed right now. I can't understand why the people in my life constantly choose to berate me and make me feel bad about myself. I honestly just want to sit in my room and cry. I'm tired of constantly trying to be nice. From now on I am going to focus on myself, ignore the fucking IDIOTS and just do my own thing. I'm just so very tired of trying. All I need/want is my boyfriend and those few close friends who I know I will always stand behind my decisions as I have always stood by theirs *and of course, you lovely bloggers!* Everyone else can go EAT SHIT.

Oh, on a lighter note *har har* I lost .6lbs between yesterday at 6PM and this morning, so my official weigh in for the AM and a GREAT starting place, is 150lbs even!

Tonight I will be driving to Ft. Riley instead of going to Kansas City. Apparently tomorrow they are having some "organization" day where they are going out to do mini-golf and other outdoor activities and well, there is no way in hell I'd miss that one!

Have a good day everyone!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


No matter how depressed I may feel I am actually in a good mood.

I bought a new digital scale because my scale kept telling me I weighed 145-150, fluctuating 5lbs every other day.

The official weight is 150.6lbs. not bad. I did weigh myself at the end of the evening and I know in the morning I will be like 1lb less so that makes me happy. That means in a years time I gained 20lbs. BUT, that's okay! Now I have a new scale that actually works so I can keep track! I am looking forward to my weight loss. I have been very lazy in taking care of myself these past few weeks and NOW I AM DETERMINED to make that scale say less EVERY damn morning!! HOORAY!

I hope everyone is having a fabulous day!


If you don't have anything nice to say, keep it to your fucking self. I had a "best friend" for a few years... we slowly drifted apart because she's a narcissistic, drama queen, cunt. This is the same gal who calls her self obese when I'm around *posted below*. She comments on all of my facebook stuff in a negative way. I'm sorry I'm in love with my boyfriend and that he is successful and not a douchebag. It doesn't make me some weird obsessed sappy person. Why don't you go find yourself a life and leave me the fuck alone. Bitch.

Hell is empty. All the devils are here.


Last night the entire fire department of my town came and visited my apartment complex. They had to go into my apt and everyone else's. The girl whose apartment it was came and told the fireman to pretty much eat shit and she never opened her door! She just peaced out! After a 45min ordeal it ended up being a freaking plastic spoon in her dishwasher that melted and smoked up the joint. What a freaking moron. On the brighter side, I met my neighbor and she is awesome! She is a social work major and I am a psych major doing a social workers job so it's gunna be awesome :) I am gunna invite her over today!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been binging and purging like crazy lately. Literally It's like I go into some trance and start eating whatever I can get my hands on. I will do awesome during the day, drinking slim fast for breakfast, having a great lunch and then a slim fast for dinner... and then a few hours before bed I go CRAZY. It's like I get this thought into my head, "It's okay, eat whatever you want. You'll purge it later." Who the fuck thinks like that? I need to change my eating habits and fast. I think I am going to start eating very small meals throughout the day to keep my fucking mouth busy and away from feeling that overwhelming urge to binge.

Why can I not just live a normal life?!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

[the sea]

I wish I were standing out in front of the ocean. I picture myself watching the waves roll in and roll out. I can hear the waves crashing; the water and sand tickling my toes. I'm more stressed out than usual this morning.

HOLY CRAP!! 30 followers?! I am just dancing with delite! I think a few of them are SPAM but who cares! Thank you EVERYONE for your support! This is a wonderful community and I LOVE you all!! <3

My best friend moved back to Africa. In 23 years I never met someone who really made me feel like I had a best friend. I've had many come and go, but none had a bond with me like this one. I've had girls claim they were my best friend but in reality I couldn't stand them anymore than I could even stand being around myself. This one girl in particular is just such a hypocrite it makes me want to scream. She is also one of those girls who likes to call herself  "obese" when I'm around. Pretty sure if you're obese at 105lbs then I am a fucking enormous whale at 145lbs! She thinks she's so clever too, "no, I'm just talking about myself not you..." I'm like okay, cunt. 

People in this town keep trying to adopt me as their friend but most of them don't realize that I can't them 99% of the time. The only person I feel like hanging out with is Camille but she is 2 hours away. Honestly, I can say at this point in my life, aside from my boyfriend, she is the only person I can trust with any of my feelings. Thank god for her.


I did fairly well yesterday! I am actually quite proud. I ended up drinking 2 slim fasts, having a very small turkey patty with no bread or cheese or anything and then some chips. I ended up getting completely fucking drunk while playing UNO on XBOXLIVE and then got hungry so I ate some noodles lol Let me tell you, after about 7 shots of sake anything in your stomach just exits regardless to if you want it to stay! I got on skype to chat with my boyfriend and ended up passing out on him. However, before falling asleep I sent him a picture of my ass bent over ahaha. Alcohol makes me do funny things. He happened to be very drunk too so it was extra fun. The power went out in the barracks so he was outside his room drinking vodka with his friends. Sometimes I wish I lived there because they sound like so much fun!

On another note, I do not sunburn... ever. However, let me amend that and say, "I do not sunburn on the places that see the sun while tanning." My smart brain decides to go tanning to "even out" my ass cheeks so I don't have a white ass and tan legs. MISTAKE. I was burnt to a crisp. I woke up this morning and I'm tan again which is what always happens but good lord, my butt looked like a tomato!! :)

I guess we are all going to the casino this weekend *COUGH, Camille, COUGH* so... if anyone just happens to be in KC they should give me a call, damnit!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

[the weekend]

Happy 6mo and 1 day to my fabulous boyfriend and I.

This weekend was tough. We ate quite a bit but mostly healthy stuff. I ended up purging what I ate at the restaurant on Friday because I got scared that I wouldn't get the chance to really restrict with him around, so even though I had restricted quite well, I still did it to calm my nerves. All three of us got drunk at the bar and then stumbled back to the hotel.

Six Flags was really fun! I felt really self conscious in my swim suit but I felt better about myself when I realized I was NOT wearing a bikini and there were really large women walking around in string bikini's. I had my first self esteem boost in a long time. Him and I bickered for most of Saturday even though it was our 6mo. He was stressed out about a few things which in turn made me stressed and being on my period made it miserable. I really do love him but gosh he and I can just get under each other's skin so quickly. I guess it's good to find out how to push each others buttons early so we aren't having all out brawls 5 years down the road.

The boyfriend and I had amazing anniversary sex in the shower. We got down and dirty! He ended up cumming on me and shot me in the fucking eye! I was SO mad because it like, plastered my eye shut. He was like, "use soap!" I'm like, "HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO CLEAN OUT JIZZ FROM YOUR EYE WITH SOAP? Double pain bastard!" We just laughed and laughed!!

We ended up having a hotel party and getting completely wasted on tequila shots after the sex. I was probably the most wasted out of anyone because I had 3 margaritas and 2 shots of tequila. I am a total light weight. My face was TOTALLY red after the first margarita! I ended up cutting myself off because I knew one tequila... two tequila... three tequila... "black the FUCK OUT" floor! At least for me anyway!!

Sorry I haven't commented, I am attempting to catch up! I am so tired from the 5 hours of driving from St. Louis. I came home to see my dad for Father's day :) I ended up leaving my fucking wallet at home so I am driving without a license! Wish me luck!

BTW Congrats everyone on your fabulous weekend!! <3

Friday, June 17, 2011

[six flags]

I hate a horrible day yesterday. I was moody and out of control. I fucking hate BPD so much sometimes. It is even worse when paired up with my period coming 1 week early. I've had my period every 2 weeks for a few months and it's starting to get on my nerves. Birth control does NOT regulate my periods. Bastards.

I am going to six flags with some friends tomorrow but we are driving up there today. I can't wait to get out of freaking work and head to St. Louis. It's a 3 hour drive from my apartment so I'm hoping I can get one of the boys to drive so I don't have to. They are coming 3 hours away, so they have to drive a total of 6. That would suck ass.

Tomorrow is the BF's and I's 6mo anniversary. I'm excited but I know we'll end up going out to eat. I didn't do too hot yesterday and my stomach is growling so angrily at me. I think I am going to have a slim fast for breakfast and call it good.

Thank you to everyone who posted when I was so sad the other night. I appreciate all of your comments and love your support dearly! I have to run so I can't read your all's blogs but I swear I will get to it! This may be the last you hear from me until Monday. Hellllooooooo VACATION!! :)

PS my cat will not STFU. Does anyone else have cats out there? OMG he wanders around the apartment just CRYING and I want to scream!! *shakes fist in the air*

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

[the cycle]

Who the FUCK eats an entire can of spam paired with rice? *points to self* This fucking asian girl does. Seriously? LOL I hate how much I love salty food!! Sad Panda!!!

*EDIT!!!* I grew up eating spam. I guess you'd say it's a Korean/Asian thing. My mom made it with all sorts of food and a lot of people can't stand it, BUT... that's the troubles with growing up with comfort food lol*

I need to get into the habit of reading my blog BEFORE eating because I've realized what kind of motivation it gives me. When you girls cheer my success on I feel compelled to stay motivated because I don't want to let anyone down.... but I suppose this is the hard part of being honest with yourself. I fucking binged the FUCK out of dinner tonight.

I woke up at 6 and went to the gym to run with some friends. I cut my mile down by a whole minute so I was totally pumped! I probably burned somewhere around 200 or so calories and then I went and ate a protein bar for breakfast. I ate a delicious spinach salad for lunch with fat free raspberry vinegarette which had me feeling SO full! Then... a little voice in my head said, "you just worked out, why are you stuffing yourself?"

I had this internal battle. I kept saying, this spinach salad is less than 300 calories, DO NOT purge because it will only have negative results. It was like I was a fucking zombie. I found myself face down WORSHIPING the porcelain gods and then returned to work.

I'm feeling guilty as fuck all day. Like, seriously guilty and so what do I do? My emotions take over. I buy COSMIC BROWNIES. I ate three of them. I felt even worse. I cooked an ENTIRE can of light spam with rice and ate EVERYTHING. My stomach was screaming in pain.

Why is it that whenever I start doing well, eating right, exercising, I end up fucking it up and binging my stress away? I swear it's like it never ends.

I will probably purge this. Well, I'm lying to myself if I say "probably." I am going to and I will feel better, prettier, sexier... and perhaps not cry myself to sleep. 

Here's to tomorrow! I must take this one day at a time... just maybe this time I won't eat like a damn pig tomorrow and focus on controlling myself. Cheers! <3

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I did very well today! What a great way to start my Tuesday! Working with a bunch of addicts helps me run around and move a lot. I don't consider the calories I burn while working but I'm sure chasing those druggies and alcoholics around has to burn off something RIGHT? (hahaha) I actually made one of my clients go to the gym with me to teach him some healthy exercise habits :)

I'm so horny now... Why is it when I exercise all I wanna do is have crazy sex? lol

I ended up eating:
Protein shake: 150cal

Plain hamburger : 260
Tator tots: 200

Protein shake after workout: 150cal
Wheat thins + hummus: 165

Running/Strength: -200
725 cals total today!! FUCK YEAH! Go me! I am trying to stay around 800 and I did a FABULOUS job! I am so proud of myself!
A special thanks to Camille - Ulla - Sophie - Princess Perfection for your wonderful words that helped me get through my day today. It gave me the strength and courage to not go insane last night/today. I have to remember that the person he see's is not the person I see because I'm the one who has a problem with my weight, not him. It just gets so hard sometimes. (that's what she said, har-de har har!)

Monday, June 13, 2011


Here's the deal. My bf and I have an AMAZING sex life. He knows just how to make me cum in minutes. But let me tell you one thing, I give my boyfriend blow jobs pretty much any time he wants one and I initiate most of them because he loves being "surprised." He tells me I don't initiate sex enough and I'm always so passive so I decide to be more assertive. Why is it when I initiate sex before I see him for the last time until Friday, he turns me down? He says he is tired and has a 2 hour drive ahead of him... 

The fried rice that I ate at dinner is turning in my stomach from hearing, "No, I don't want to have sex."

I tell him, "Pretty sure I let you stick it in my ass this weekend AND gave you a fucking blow job while you played Final Fantasy. You got yours, where the fuck is mine?" We laugh it off because I don't want our last meeting until next week tainted by my own insecurities. I kiss him goodbye, hug him tightly and walk towards the house. My eyes are starting to get wet because 1000 thoughts are flooding my mind. The longer the thoughts linger the more I start to believe they are true. 

He doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm fat.
Fuck, I am so ugly.
My thighs are too big.
My stretch marks are fucking disgusting.
My boobs are not perky.
Holy shit my arms are HUGE.
I am fucking fat and ugly and probably stupid for thinking all of these things. 

I know, deep down he thinks I am beautiful and there are some parts of me that want to believe that I am over reacting, but I'm just so hurt and want to feel pleasure (from sex, or from love... from ANYTHING) that when I finally make my way to my bathroom, tears streaking across my face, I lean over and feel the ecstasy I was searching for with my boyfriend, that he was unable to provide. I feel empty. I feel good. I feel at peace.

[a fresh start]

THANK YOU to Camille/Gianni for showing me my background to match my banner. I love you, Gal! I've been tempted to put my real name on here, however I get a bit nervous... blah. I'll get there one day.

Amber -- I am SO torn between vampires and werewolves! I like the fact that werewolves are warm and are basically still "human", however a vampire is a fucking vampire! Who wouldn't want that? hehe

My boyfriend is sleeping right now. He sleeps so peacefully and beautifully. I took the day off work so I could spend time with him. I think we will go back to Barnes and Nobel because I finished "The Hunger Games" in less than 1 day. I am in need of the second one, immediately! We watched the Drawn Together movie last night. It was fucking stupid so I ended up giving him a blow job so I wouldn't have to pay attention to the movie. He wasn't complaining that's for sure.

I was about to make him cum when he told me to get on top of him because I had been teasing him all day by wearing a dress with no panties (lol). He's hilarious when he's about to cum because he's like... so demanding. "I'm going to cum inside you!" I'm like, "...go for it?" Too cute!

I'm happy today is Monday. I can erase my horrible week and start over. He should be leaving around 2 or 3 and if I let him sleep I can avoid eating hopefully until then. Last night we had shrimp alfredo and low and behold, it had mushrooms in it! I hate mushrooms, meaning I didn't have to eat a whole lot of it! I was so happy. My fucking bread tooth got me again though, 2, COUNT THEM, 2 pieces of texas cheesy toast. Oh the deliciousness of those toasted morsels, gah! I can't wait to go home and work out tonight, I need it!

Grr, my stomach is fucking growling and all I want to do is scream. I think I need some water.


To those of you who had a horrible week last week, or a bad last few days -- don't worry. We can get through this together! We have to take this one day at a time.  I appreciate all of your guys' support and I hope that I can be there for you the way you are all there for me! I love you all! <3

Sunday, June 12, 2011

[giving in]

I'm finding more excused to avoid eating so much. Honestly, a trick that's been working for me is eating things I don't really like so it forces me to not eat as much. I've been working hard to get over the "completion compulsion." A lot of people with issues similar to mine will find themselves FINISHING a plate just because it's in front of them... eating foods I don't enjoy helps me get over this obsession.

I ended up getting rid of the sandwich while the men were outside working on the patio. I didn't eat anything else until dinner. It was something really spicy so I was able to avoid eating a lot. Instead I ate a fat free yogurt and a small portion of rice. I felt a lot better and didn't have the urge to purge (nice rhyme) because there wasn't much there. I ended up getting ridiculously drunk instead.

My bf and I had sex in the shower for like an hour so that was fantastic. He kept trying to put it in my ass and it annoyed me because we were both so drunk and I didn't feel like it. He ended up convincing me it was a good idea AFTER I came... he's smart like that. He knows that when I cum I will pretty much agree to anything for about 2 minutes. Bastard LOL All in all, it was a good work out in there. He bit my neck so hard it left a bruise... I think I'm dating a vampire ;)

I ended up getting a bit burnt yesterday but I woke up to a tan. This morning I caved in at breakfast because my mom made bacon, sausage, eggs and toast... my fucking bread tooth get's be EVERY time! I ate 3 pieces of fucking bread, 1 egg, 4 pieces of sausage and like 4 strips of bacon. WTF! To my surprise I didn't feel like purging afterwards, but I am leaving it in my stomach as a reminder of my fucking failure and this is the consequence of not having the will power to stand down next to shit that's bad for me...

I am going to do my damndest to start Monday fresh. I never get to work out when my bf is here so I will go back to running and working out every night and cutting my calories significantly until I see him for our St. Louis trip next weekend.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Yesterday was a complete fail but it ended up getting better. I had plans to surprise my boyfriend for Fondue and when he got here he said "I'M HUNGRY NOW, LETS EAT" so I said, "Can we wait until 7? I have a surprise for you?" Long story short, I ended up crying because he was being an asshole, he felt bad then we ate at 54th St. I've found a really good way to avoid over eating without having the bf get suspicious... I literally just drink water non-stop to fill up. I only ate 1/4th of the dinner and since he could SEE me eating it wasn't surprising. Plus, I was so upset about the fondue incident that he probably didn't think much of it that I wasn't eating.

Regardless, the pressure got to me and I ended up purging 1/2 of what I ate in the bathroom at the restaurant to justify me eating ice cream later on the evening. Ugh, I hate myself sometimes.

We came back and played some video games and then I decided that I wanted to fuck and so we started kissing and one thing led to another and we were having sex for like an hour! What a good work out, I was so proud. After that, I got completely wasted drunk to forget that fucking horrible day.


Today I went out and mowed the lawn and my dad and bf were hungry so I went out and got stuff for sandwiches. I made big sandwiches, got fat free chips and carrot sticks. They were so happy. Mine was about half the size of theirs and yet here I am, sitting in my bathroom thinking about doing what I don't want to do. I keep thinking, maybe if I don't eat anything else today I won't have to bother...

But... my stomach hurts so bad, it's screaming get this the fuck out of me and I feel this terrible compulsion to comply. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

[the melt down]

My new followers, thank you, thank you for your support. I've never felt a part of a community -- a place where people understand and yet there are so many of us who share the same dreams and goals. What an inspiration. Gianni, you don't know how much you've changed me. We've known each other for a long time and I feel like you're the only one who truly understands me in all aspects of my life. I love you, Gal :) 

Last night was a horrendous night for me. I officially broke down and lost it. I unfortunately have borderline personality disorder and last night I was in need of some support, especially from my boyfriend. Let me tell you, he is not a man of many words when it comes to comforting someone. He lives a few hours away so we chat over the internet a lot. He remained silent after I told him what was wrong, then completely ignored me. About 2 hours of silence later, I tell him I am going to bed and he doesn't say anything. The window screen is just blinking. Never has this happened before. He has ALWAYS told me he loved me and to sleep well and now the night where I need him the most he fucking disappears.

I wanted to punch him. BPD has plagued me with uncontrollable rage and incessant mood swings, so I begin crying... and then I become angry. I suppose he was lucky he didn't get back online last night because I would have tore him a new asshole. Waking up this morning was easier. I am not angry anymore. Hell, my mood is pretty stable. I am hurt and disappointed in him and I will definitely bring this up that I need a man who can support me emotionally and if he can't do it then he needs to hit the bricks. I'm not scared of standing up for myself.


I am going to keep my calories around 800 if I can manage that today. We have a staff meeting at 12 meaning that I will end up eating at work unless I can find some way to avoid it.  The meals at the rehab facility are geared high calorie to help those who lost weight due to their addictions can kind of... fatten up. It's a fucking deathly-scared-of-getting-fat person's worst nightmare. Maybe I will bring in a salad... I fucking hate salad, but I would rather eat something I don't care for that's less calories than something delicious that I would eat more and more of... I need to try to eat as little as possible as my boyfriend and I are going out to eat fondue tonight.

My boyfriend will be in town this weekend. How on earth am I going to watch what I'm eating with him watching me like a hawk? He follows me around everywhere... the only thing that I can do is sneak off into the bathroom at a restaurant because he at least can't follow me in there. I will be at my parent's house too, which only makes it worse. My mom loves to cook and she loves to feed people. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I should have started this diet on Monday so I had some days to prepare... oh boy.

On a lighter note, I lost 1lb yesterday. I knew swimming would help me out. When I turn to the side, I can start to see my shoulder blades sticking out and I can start to see my collarbones... even after my breakdown last night, somehow, I woke up feeling a bit more beautiful than usual.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

[the feeling of full]

I did what I did not want to do and my body is saying "hallelujah." I hate that satisfactory feeling I get when I look down at my accomplishment. It's nothing to be proud of but it was the only way to counter my start to over eating like crazy tonight. Now, I feel full. Strange isn't it? With an empty stomach, I feel full. 

I want to cry. Why can I not be happy with myself? I want to be 115lbs so badly that I am almost willing to get to any length to do it. I hope I can do it the right way and eat, not purge, exercise and not feel like putting a bullet through my fucking head every time I open my mouth and shovel food in. 

[falling apart]

What the fuck am I doing? I'm sitting here eating sun chips and I hate sun chips. Worst of all, they are french onion, which I find completely appalling! What would even compel me to continue to put these disgusting little squares in my mouth?

It's like I find every excuse to eat. I have been working out pretty hard, but I go home and find myself binging on the stupidest shit. Why on earth would someone eat a HUGE bowl of frosted mini-wheats? I fucking HATE the taste of this cereal however it didn't stop me from piling at least 2-3 servings in a bowl and eating the entire thing. Should I validate myself for using skim milk? 

I am 5'3"... currently weighing in at 145lbs. I was 180lb's December 2009... I went down to 130lbs... After getting dumped I went back to 145lbs.. That's 15lbs gained... People say that 145lb's is not fat but if you looked at the roll on my stomach you would understand. I want to wear a bikini... I want to get a nice tan. I'm sick of wearing tankini's but I am just too self conscious. My boyfriend says I look sexy, but when I look in the mirror I see a worthless blob of fat with nice calves. Hello body dysmorphic disorder, my name is The Skinny Fat Girl.... It's so nice to meet you. I wear a small shirt, size 7-8 jeans, is without a double chin and yet I can GRAB the roll on my stomach and shake it.

How on earth can one feel good about themselves after working out when all they can think about is eating the entire kitchen? I FUCKING HAD MCDONALD'S TODAY!! I never eat McDonald's! When I'm not working out, I don't want junk food... the second my foot hits the gym I want french fries. When I'm running, I imagine myself running towards a delicious bowl of ice cream.

I'm fighting this incredible urge to throw up. I don't think it's going to work. My will is not strong enough to beat this tonight. I want a cigarette and I want these sunchips and stupid mini-wheats out of my body... I don't know if I'll actually do it.. I might sit here and stare at my computer for a while to fight off the feeling of fullness... I have binged/purged since I was 14... I am 23 now so fighting that feeling will take a lot of power and I just don't know if I can hold out.

I just want to scream. I'm going under with this ship... can anyone save me?