[the melt down]

My new followers, thank you, thank you for your support. I've never felt a part of a community -- a place where people understand and yet there are so many of us who share the same dreams and goals. What an inspiration. Gianni, you don't know how much you've changed me. We've known each other for a long time and I feel like you're the only one who truly understands me in all aspects of my life. I love you, Gal :) 
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Last night was a horrendous night for me. I officially broke down and lost it. I unfortunately have borderline personality disorder and last night I was in need of some support, especially from my boyfriend. Let me tell you, he is not a man of many words when it comes to comforting someone. He lives a few hours away so we chat over the internet a lot. He remained silent after I told him what was wrong, then completely ignored me. About 2 hours of silence later, I tell him I am going to bed and he doesn't say anything. The window screen is just blinking. Never has this happened before. He has ALWAYS told me he loved me and to sleep well and now the night where I need him the most he fucking disappears.

I wanted to punch him. BPD has plagued me with uncontrollable rage and incessant mood swings, so I begin crying... and then I become angry. I suppose he was lucky he didn't get back online last night because I would have tore him a new asshole. Waking up this morning was easier. I am not angry anymore. Hell, my mood is pretty stable. I am hurt and disappointed in him and I will definitely bring this up that I need a man who can support me emotionally and if he can't do it then he needs to hit the bricks. I'm not scared of standing up for myself.

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I am going to keep my calories around 800 if I can manage that today. We have a staff meeting at 12 meaning that I will end up eating at work unless I can find some way to avoid it.  The meals at the rehab facility are geared high calorie to help those who lost weight due to their addictions can kind of... fatten up. It's a fucking deathly-scared-of-getting-fat person's worst nightmare. Maybe I will bring in a salad... I fucking hate salad, but I would rather eat something I don't care for that's less calories than something delicious that I would eat more and more of... I need to try to eat as little as possible as my boyfriend and I are going out to eat fondue tonight.

My boyfriend will be in town this weekend. How on earth am I going to watch what I'm eating with him watching me like a hawk? He follows me around everywhere... the only thing that I can do is sneak off into the bathroom at a restaurant because he at least can't follow me in there. I will be at my parent's house too, which only makes it worse. My mom loves to cook and she loves to feed people. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I should have started this diet on Monday so I had some days to prepare... oh boy.

On a lighter note, I lost 1lb yesterday. I knew swimming would help me out. When I turn to the side, I can start to see my shoulder blades sticking out and I can start to see my collarbones... even after my breakdown last night, somehow, I woke up feeling a bit more beautiful than usual.