Friday, June 10, 2011

[the melt down]

My new followers, thank you, thank you for your support. I've never felt a part of a community -- a place where people understand and yet there are so many of us who share the same dreams and goals. What an inspiration. Gianni, you don't know how much you've changed me. We've known each other for a long time and I feel like you're the only one who truly understands me in all aspects of my life. I love you, Gal :) 

Last night was a horrendous night for me. I officially broke down and lost it. I unfortunately have borderline personality disorder and last night I was in need of some support, especially from my boyfriend. Let me tell you, he is not a man of many words when it comes to comforting someone. He lives a few hours away so we chat over the internet a lot. He remained silent after I told him what was wrong, then completely ignored me. About 2 hours of silence later, I tell him I am going to bed and he doesn't say anything. The window screen is just blinking. Never has this happened before. He has ALWAYS told me he loved me and to sleep well and now the night where I need him the most he fucking disappears.

I wanted to punch him. BPD has plagued me with uncontrollable rage and incessant mood swings, so I begin crying... and then I become angry. I suppose he was lucky he didn't get back online last night because I would have tore him a new asshole. Waking up this morning was easier. I am not angry anymore. Hell, my mood is pretty stable. I am hurt and disappointed in him and I will definitely bring this up that I need a man who can support me emotionally and if he can't do it then he needs to hit the bricks. I'm not scared of standing up for myself.


I am going to keep my calories around 800 if I can manage that today. We have a staff meeting at 12 meaning that I will end up eating at work unless I can find some way to avoid it.  The meals at the rehab facility are geared high calorie to help those who lost weight due to their addictions can kind of... fatten up. It's a fucking deathly-scared-of-getting-fat person's worst nightmare. Maybe I will bring in a salad... I fucking hate salad, but I would rather eat something I don't care for that's less calories than something delicious that I would eat more and more of... I need to try to eat as little as possible as my boyfriend and I are going out to eat fondue tonight.

My boyfriend will be in town this weekend. How on earth am I going to watch what I'm eating with him watching me like a hawk? He follows me around everywhere... the only thing that I can do is sneak off into the bathroom at a restaurant because he at least can't follow me in there. I will be at my parent's house too, which only makes it worse. My mom loves to cook and she loves to feed people. This weekend is going to be a nightmare. I should have started this diet on Monday so I had some days to prepare... oh boy.

On a lighter note, I lost 1lb yesterday. I knew swimming would help me out. When I turn to the side, I can start to see my shoulder blades sticking out and I can start to see my collarbones... even after my breakdown last night, somehow, I woke up feeling a bit more beautiful than usual.


  1. Fondue?! Are you fucking going to the Melting Pot!? BITCH! ;)

    I know we don't see each other that often (given we live like two hours away... dumb), but I definitely consider you one of my best friends. I'm here to support and love you no matter what decision you make, or what weight you're at. I just want you to be as happy as humanly possible. You're such a good person and good friend I hate seeing you down and out.

    As for this weekend, even if you take in like 1500 calories per day (or even more for that matter), as long as you're able to workout it's not a big deal. To maintain weight you have to eat between 12-1500, so it's not too bad. And if you workout you'll be able to take some calories off from your intake. Which is always nice. lol. I actually wrote on K.T.'s FB status that sometimes I'll workout just enough that'll burn off a snickers. lol

    Keep writing, it really does help. It's nice to have a place to keep your thoughts organized (or unorganized) and out in the open for you to re-read and think about. Stay strong, my beautiful asian! I love you!

  2. That's one thing that I really love about Blogger- how supportive everyone amongst this community is. We're all from different places and backgrounds, we're all at different weights with different bodies, and we're all at different parts in our journey, yet we all share the same dreams and goals. It's those dreams and goals that bring us all together.

    I guess that's how a lot of guys are- they're not into the "emotional comforting" thing whereas women are. I think male and female brains are just wired that way or something.

    Dinner outings are the worst when it comes to sticking to diet. You hate salad?! *gasps* really? Well, I guess lettuce and other "rabbit foods" are acquired tastes. I used to hate salads and most vegetables, but after forcing myself to eat them, I've grown rather fond of them all! I hope your weekend is awesome and oh yeah, welcome to Blogger! I heard about your blog from Gianni's blog (again: awesome supportive community this is).

  3. Yeah, most men are emotionally crippled. It's so fucking annoying! I'm starting to see why lesbianism is so popular! Kidding!

    I'm so sorry you had a break down, it's terrible when the people we love act as if they don't care. I'm with you, he can fit in or fuck off!

    Well done on the loss, Babe! Here's to many more! <3. XXX.

  4. I agree with Cinnamon, Men sometimes are incapable of expressing emotions, or understanding our feelings. sometimes they care, but they just don't know how to show it.. I love following your blog, you seem like a really strong person, good luck on your diet. :)